Sorry if this is a double post. Tried to edit this after posting and it seems to have been removed instead? But anyway here we go.
Wanted to say thanks all. Really appreciate the responses. Bit of a long update. First, my younger sister, not wanting me to be alone, called up one of my friends and flew him out here just to keep me company. It was really nice thing for both of them to do, even if having company was kind of hard.
Beyond that, the ex(?) came home yesterday. Things are far from fixed or even all that clear to me, but it’s impossible to figure anything out while she’s away. So she came home, we spent the day together. Went to a baseball game. Just tried to spend low stakes, low emotional time together. It was nice. Then last night we finally had a talk. I started by acknowledging how hard it must have been for her to get the courage to say something that she knew would cause so much distress and pain for both of us, and how even considering trying with me more could feel like a betrayal of that courage. That she might be afraid we’d slide back into old habits. I wanted to be clear I was doing my best to understand her feelings and respect them. I did my best to reassure her that I don’t want us to fall back into old habits, not for her, me, or us. Because if we do, we will just end up back in down the line. I listed out why I think we should work on things, including going to counseling. She cried a lot, while I somehow kept it together, thankfully. After I was done, she said that everything I said was reasonable, fair and made complete sense…but she wants to be selfish right now. I asked why and what she meant by it. She admitted even she’s not sure. Just that she can’t commit to working on us right now. She did say she would keep thinking about it, because she does like the life we’ve built and she’s never been unhappy with me. But she also wants more. Yes, this does include sex with other people, which isn’t some huge surprise or even deal breaker for me as we’ve had a few fleeting discussions about it over the years. I just didn’t realize how important it might be to her. I’m not sure she did either. Still my confusion in part stems from never really denying her more. So I kind of feel like this is a If you give a mouse a cookie scenario. But there are some positives. While she doesn’t want to dive full on into the hard work of working on us, I did propose having dates nights to try to reconnect. She smiled and said that sounds really nice. We already had tickets to a concert this week bought pre-breakup. So we’re going to go to that as a mini date. It’s a start. And, honestly, that’s really all I realistically could have hoped for.
A funny and still confusing bit (that may contain TMI, so please read with caution) after the bulk of the conversation. We were kind of hugging each other just for comfort and I told her I was mad at her, which was true. She’s done a selfish hurtful thing for reasons I still think neither of us really understand. She asked, other than the obvious reason, why. And I said because we didn’t even get to have breakup sex. Which was half a joke and half true. She laughed and rolled her eyes and said, we can still do that. And then said sex is always on the table. So I was like, oh then do you want to bang. To which she replied, okay maybe not always on the table. I called her a liar. She just shook her head and said that I know she’s on UTI meds but she’ll be done with those in 3 days so to ask to after that. And I said so you want to live here, hang out, go on dates and still have sex…but just sleep in different beds? And her response was basically yeah, she just also wants the freedom to do whatever she wants outside of home. Which I was honestly sort of proposing anyway, just with counseling to make sure we’re communicating properly?
So yeah, I’m still confused and hurting. I hate having to sleep in separate rooms. I hate that I can’t hug her or be hugged by her throughout the day the way we used to. We both work from home, so we would often walk out of our offices throughout the day and just hug each other before going back to work. Those little bits of comfort are hard to let go of. But she hasn’t completely given up on us and this life we’ve built, so maybe we can still find a way back to each other. Even if it’s slow and hard. Or maybe not. But I’ve also started talking to a therapist on my own. Because I need it. Might look into psychiatric help for my social anxiety. Baby steps. It’s something.
Thank you all for coming to my TED talk.
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