The Relationship Thread

Topic

Have at it…

Again

Replies

Really your brain will melt out of your ears if you look too deep into this nonsense.

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Al-x

Eh, Vox has it covered.

I don’t understand why anybody would care this much about what these two people have been doing in private.

Consider that it’s possible that so many people voyeuristically following these people only empowers this kind of toxic behaviour. Stop idolising “celebrities”, and perhaps they will revert to normal human* behaviour.

 

 

. *I am aware that normal humans are also capable of behaving despicably.

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DavidM wrote:

I don’t understand why anybody would care this much about what these two people have been doing in private.

People who are obsessed with celebrities have lower intelligence.

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Todd, DavidM

Anonymous wrote:

People who are obsessed with celebrities have lower intelligence.

I hope that study also shows that this does not go for people obsessed with Nicholas Cage.

DavidM wrote:

I don’t understand why anybody would care this much about what these two people have been doing in private.

Celebrity talk has always been crazy to me, but given that that’s a thing, I get why this is so magnetic. This is the ugliest side of someone’s private life. It’s utterly authentic and, through the public records from the trial, also utterly accessible.

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Christian wrote:

I hope that study also shows that this does not go for people obsessed with Nicholas Cage.

Hey!!!

It’s spelled Nicolas, ok?

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Sean Robinson, Christian

It’s just a distasteful spectacle…I called it “nonsense” in my previous post which might be seen as disrespectful to people suffering from domestic violence, but I just mean in this case, it is so full of lies and mutual unpleasantness that at some point it becomes hard to feel pity for these two particular characters.

 

And I hate that people seems to be supporting Depp just because they think he’s cool, doing le epic Depp pirate man voice.

I honestly think both Depp and Heard are terrible people and neither should be regarded as having the high ground.

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Sean Robinson, JRCarter, Al-x

[Al-x]

There’s something happening here
But what it is ain’t exactly clear

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Al-x.

Todd wrote:

I honestly think both Depp and Heard are terrible people and neither should be regarded as having the high ground.

Tough to say for sure. Actors historically were considered worse than prostitutes (or were prostitutes), forbidden sacraments by the Church and hounded out of towns and cities. Most actors today have to hustle and scrape just to stay in an extremely cutthroat, backstabbing profession in a very exploitative business. Same for most celebrities from musicians to athletes. It isn’t a reliable profession and encourages irresponsible behavior – where bad behavior is fueled and encouraged by fans and the entertainment press.

 

Tbh… Neither Depp nor Heard are saints, but at times she did set him up to go on these tirades and have it secretly recorded. That was proven in court.  He won 15M but the state limitations cut down one of the charges to a few hundred thousand, so it is more like 8M. Heard is already crying poverty so Depp won’t get all that much. His name won’t be dragged down at least. Does he have a comeback in him.? He needs to get a good PR team now.  He could be like Mickey Rourke.

This woman lawyer at Stanford Law school is so pi**ed off at the Depp woman lawyer Camille Vasquez… Jealousy!!!

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10900309/Stanford-professor-calls-Johnny-Depps-lawyer-Camille-Vasquez-pick-girl-offensive-tweet.html

———————————

I remembered this and it reminded me to never again try to fill in the “uncomfortable silence” on a date or even here in a forum.

 

 

 

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Al-x wrote:

This woman lawyer at Stanford Law school is so pi**ed off at the Depp woman lawyer Camille Vasquez… Jealousy!!! https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10900309/Stanford-professor-calls-Johnny-Depps-lawyer-Camille-Vasquez-pick-girl-offensive-tweet.html%5B/quote%5D
Meanwhile, Vasquez just got a popularity boost:

Johnny Depp’s Lawyer Helps Save Fellow Passenger Mid-Flight: Report | PEOPLE.com

Nevertheless – and not just the Daily Mail – I think it is fairly poor journalism to report on random tweets. If a paper wants to present any point of view positive or negative on any subject, they will always be able to point to Twitter for support. There will always be thousands to millions of posts on the site and throughout social media taking opposing sides on any subject and you will always be able to find one that says exactly what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Tough to say for sure. Actors historically were considered worse than prostitutes (or were prostitutes), forbidden sacraments by the Church and hounded out of towns and cities. Most actors today have to hustle and scrape just to stay in an extremely cutthroat, backstabbing profession in a very exploitative business. Same for most celebrities from musicians to athletes. It isn’t a reliable profession and encourages irresponsible behavior – where bad behavior is fueled and encouraged by fans and the entertainment press.

As Phoenix Buchanan demonstrates in the well-known documentary Paddington 2.

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When I was at the midsummer festival, I ran into a person I knew from when I was in addiction therapy. We were only ever friends, but even calling us that is stretching it. We had a rocky relationship, hanging out mostly because we had a friend in common. We didn’t exactly like each other.

Given our rocky history, I was surprised she came up to talk to me in the first place and even more surprised that she then kind of latched on to me and my friends to hang out. But I do kind of understand why, in retrospect.

She had travelled there alone, didn’t know anyone there and she’s fairly young and inexperienced. It’s not hard to see several reasons to why a familiar face is a comfort in that situation.

Anyway, after the festival was over I texted her just to see if she got home alright and how she’s doing. She immediately made it very clear she did not want to have any contact with me, given our rocky history. I was actually kind of relieved and said I am prepared to respect that and we cordially broke off contact.

Or so I thought.

She has been absolutely pestering me since. Last text I got she said “I know I said we’re not supposed to have contact but I’m on drugs and I’ve made friends with a guy I think you know! Do you know [most common male first name in Sweden]?”

I’m starting to understand that she doesn’t really have any friends, and I’m also starting to understand why. There is just no filter between that brain and that mouth. I’m guessing she’s got some pretty severe, possibly undiagnosed, letter combination (I’m guessing ADD) paired with one or more personality disorders.

Naturally, I did the cordial thing and told her to fuck off and leave me the fuck alone, then I blocked her.

That may sound a bit harsh, but trying to navigate conversations with her while maintaining that no-contact bit out of both respect for her wishes and my own needs was quite a hassle.

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njerry, Todd

Anonymous wrote:

When I was at the midsummer festival, I ran into a person I knew from when I was in addiction therapy. We were only ever friends, but even calling us that is stretching it. We had a rocky relationship, hanging out mostly because we had a friend in common. We didn’t exactly like each other.

Given our rocky history, I was surprised she came up to talk to me in the first place and even more surprised that she then kind of latched on to me and my friends to hang out. But I do kind of understand why, in retrospect.

She had travelled there alone, didn’t know anyone there and she’s fairly young and inexperienced. It’s not hard to see several reasons to why a familiar face is a comfort in that situation.

Anyway, after the festival was over I texted her just to see if she got home alright and how she’s doing. She immediately made it very clear she did not want to have any contact with me, given our rocky history. I was actually kind of relieved and said I am prepared to respect that and we cordially broke off contact.

Or so I thought.

She has been absolutely pestering me since. Last text I got she said “I know I said we’re not supposed to have contact but I’m on drugs and I’ve made friends with a guy I think you know! Do you know [most common male first name in Sweden]?”

I’m starting to understand that she doesn’t really have any friends, and I’m also starting to understand why. There is just no filter between that brain and that mouth. I’m guessing she’s got some pretty severe, possibly undiagnosed, letter combination (I’m guessing ADD) paired with one or more personality disorders.

Naturally, I did the cordial thing and told her to fuck off and leave me the fuck alone, then I blocked her.

That may sound a bit harsh, but trying to navigate conversations with her while maintaining that no-contact bit out of both respect for her wishes and my own needs was quite a hassle.

That sounds like a lot to deal with. Good for you for staying out of the shitstorm.

If she tries to reach out to you again, tell her, “Whoa, train wreck! This is not your station!”

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Thanks for the encouragement Todd. I know it’s not a lot to discuss in there, but I’m however thankful for a space in which to share it.

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Todd

In relationships, the tough part is realizing that even if you give someone what they say they want, it won’t do anything. The object of the want is not important. It’s a little obvious and I think everyone realizes this but there is a lot of self-denial about it. When building a relationship – whether romantic, professional or in any simple exchange – it’s not important what people want.

Instead, focus on how people want to feel.

There are a lot of examples, but I recall a strong one from a Philip K. Dick story – and his fiction has a lot of relationship advice that he learned (or hadn’t) from five marriages and several more serious affairs.

In the story, a man comes home and gives his wife a real cuckoo clock from Germany. This is something she always wanted since her family had one when she was a child. So she’s ecstatic to see it.

Then, her husband starts talking about he got this great deal on the clock due to some random luck that he worked with a guy that got a consignment of them basically for free. Otherwise, he couldn’t afford it. So, he ends up making sound like he didn’t really want to get it and wouldn’t have if he hadn’t gotten such a lucky deal. Everything he says makes her feel worse to the point she suspects subconsciously he doesn’t want her to feel good. In fact, the moment he saw she was even slightly happy, he started to run down the gift he had just given her like she triggered some negative “feel bad” tape on a spool in the back of his throat.

So, knowing what someone wants (or says that they do) is helpful, but figuring out how they want to feel – especially when you are giving or doing something for them, and then committing to deliver that – not simply giving them the “thing” they say they want – is the important part of building a relationship.

Honestly, it’s the important part of selling to people (or scamming them), doing well at work (even though everyone would gladly quit any job if they didn’t need the paycheck) and winning elections (or even simple debates about what’s for dinner). It’s also the hardest part.

On top of that though, is having to know how you want to feel – and then being honest when pursuing it. Especially, if you want it in a relationship. It’s tough for men in our culture (or my culture, at least) as we aren’t well developed in expressing emotional needs or even allowing the idea that they are important. But, honestly, it is a problem for women, too, in my experience. Hell, a lot of times we don’t know what we want until it presents itself unexpectedly out of nowhere (and we instinctively push it away). Most of the time, though, we realize we don’t know what we want when we get what we say we want (or are somehow, some way convinced that we should want it) and discover we don’t feel like we actually got it.

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Todd, DavidM, Al-x

Haddaway famously posed some interesting questions about the nature of love. Love! What is it?

Having a long backlog of answers to that question, I think we have reached a consensus.

Now comes the much more arduous task of answering… “Why is love?”

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Todd

Anonymous wrote:

Now comes the much more arduous task of answering… “Why is love?”

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Ben, Todd

One of my exes sent me an e-mail a couple of days ago. Last we heard from each other was about five years ago, but it’s well over thirteen years since we broke up.

It’s strange. We started cordially, quickly moved on to being our usual selves and now I just hung up the phone after an, I kid you not, seven and a half hour long phone call.

We touched upon everything without ever becoming too intrusive. Well, I… hum.. we’re both naturally and habitually very curious persons so there was a lot of mutual intrusion I guess… But that’s not the point.

My point is… I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy. Content. That it wasn’t all for naught. That we actually shared something that actually meant something. Something… real. Something that still matters.

It’s a feeling I’m not at all used too, and I fucking wish Miqque was here to hear me say it: I feel loved!

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Christian, Ben, DavidM, Todd, njerry

I have briefly been in a relationship where I was only invited so I can help out.
It was always a situation of “Help me Al-x, you are my only hope” when it comes
to errands for someone sick, helping them move, huge favors.
Never about really going out (if anything, I would find out later a good time
was had with someone else).

I realized it quick and bailed. Note: If you catch on that you are just being used for
“favors” and not “the real fun”, then you are just seen as “disposable” and your emotions
are just being played on. Get out…

I hope you at least got your dick sucked Al.

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Todd, Al-x

Bruce wrote:

I hope you at least got your dick sucked Al.

Thanks… but it was all to no avail.

I just ended with nothing but more work.

[Al-x]

I was talking about being seen as the “disposable” one in a circle of friends…

I took my gf at the time to a few dinner parties and restaurants with a few tables of 8.
Thing is, sometimes you see people who try to seize some sense of power by belittling someone
else at the venue, like going out of their way to “correct” someone, or try to look “cool”
at their expense. It is all for some kind of clout really.

I wouldn’t advise it (as tempting as it may be) to leave and come back like Tommy to Billy Batts,
but… Truth is, a lot of personality types with mental health issues out there like in social media
which is a reflection of it all.

I mean, there were a few guys who used to troll for clout (from so… far… away…) on MW.
One was a right winger trolling Obama and the Dems, another one was trolling others and Ohara
outrightly called him a d*ck and he got embarrassed and left soon after.
Another guy here trolled, it blew up in his face and he logged off…

Then there are those in settings who resent someone else for being witty, the “life of the party”, getting
all the attention. What can you do?

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Al-x.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Al-x.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Al-x.

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Chapter XIV Wherein the dead shepherd’s verses of despair are set down, with other unexpected incidents. (tamu.edu)

…But as soon as Ambrosio saw her, he said with obvious indignation: “Have you come, you fierce basilisk of these mountains, to see if blood will start to flow from the wounds of this wretch slain by your cruelty? Or have you come to boast of your cruel deeds, or to survey from those rocky heights, like another Nero, the flames of your burning Rome, or to trample this ill-fated body, like Tarquinius’ ungrateful daughter did? Tell us quickly what you’ve come for, or what your pleasure is. Since I know that in his thoughts Grisóstomo never failed to obey you while he was living, even now that he’s dead, I’ll make everyone who called themselves his friends obey you.”

“I haven’t come for any of the reasons that you’ve listed, Ambrosio,” responded Marcela, “but rather to defend myself and to make you understand how unreasonable are those who, out of their grief, blame me for Grisóstomo’s death. And I beg all those present to listen to me. It won’t take much time or many words to persuade sensible people of the truth.

“Heaven made me beautiful—according to you—so that, in spite of yourselves, my beauty moves you to love me. And you insist that I, in return, am bound to love you back. With the natural understanding that God has given me, I recognize that what is beautiful is worthy of love. But what I don’t understand is that just because a woman is loved because of her beauty, she’s obliged to reciprocate this love. And furthermore, it could happen that the one who loves the beautiful woman is himself ugly, and since ugliness is worthy of being despised, it would be silly for him to say: ‘I love you because you’re beautiful; now you must love me, even though I’m ugly.’ But supposing each one is equally good-looking, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their yearnings will be the same, because not every kind of beauty inspires love—some are pleasing to the eye but don’t overcome the will. If every type of beauty caused love and overcame the will in the same way, everyone’s will would wander about confused and perplexed, not knowing which way to go, because—since there’s an infinite array of beautiful things—yearnings would be equally infinite. And according to what I’ve heard, true love cannot be divided, and must be voluntary and not forced. If that’s true, as I believe it is, why do you want to force me to yield my free will simply because you say that you love me? Tell me—what if heaven, which made me beautiful, had made me ugly instead? Would it have been right for me to complain because you didn’t love me? What’s more, consider this: I didn’t choose to be beautiful—heaven made me that way without my asking or choosing to be. So, just as a snake doesn’t deserve to be blamed for the venom given to it by nature—even though it uses the venom to kill—I don’t deserve to be blamed for being beautiful. Beauty in a virtuous woman is like a distant flame or a sharp sword—the one won’t burn and the other won’t cut anyone who doesn’t draw near. Honor and virtue are adornments of the soul, but without them the body shouldn’t seem beautiful, even though it may appear to be. So, if purity is one of the virtues that must adorn both body and soul to make them beautiful, why should the woman who’s loved for her beauty sacrifice her purity by yielding to the wishes of the man who, for his selfish pleasure only, seeks with all his might and wiles to cause her to lose it?

“I was born free, and in order to live free, I chose the solitude of the outdoors. The trees of these mountains are my company, the clear water of these streams are my mirrors. I communicate my thoughts and share my beauty with the trees and water. I’m the distant fire and the sword placed far away. Those whom I’ve caused to fall in love with me by letting them see me, I’ve enlightened with my words. And if desires are kept alive by hope, since I never gave any such hope to Grisóstomo—or to any other man—you could say that his obstinacy killed him rather than my cruelty. And if I’m reproached because you say that his desires were honorable, and for that reason I was obliged to yield to him, I say that in this same place where his grave is being dug and he revealed the worthiness of his intentions to me, I told him that mine were to live in perpetual solitude, and that only the earth would enjoy the fruits of my chastity and the spoils of my beauty. And, if after having been set right, he hoped against hope, and tried to sail against the wind, it’s no surprise that he drowned in the middle of the sea of his recklessness. If I’d encouraged him, I would have been false; if I’d gratified him, it would have been against my better instinct and judgment. He persisted though he was turned down; he despaired without being despised. Consider now whether I’m to blame for his grief! Let the man I deceived complain, let him despair whose promised hopes were not fulfilled, let him be filled with hope whom I beckon, let him brag whom I’ve welcomed. But let no one call me cruel and murderous to whom I’ve promised nothing, upon whom I’ve practiced no deception, whom I’ve neither beckoned nor welcomed.

“Heaven has not yet ordained that I should love by fate and it’s vain to think that I shall love by choice. Let this general warning be given to each one of those who try to court me for his own advantage—let it be understood from now on that if anyone dies for me, it won’t be because of jealousy or rejection, since she who loves no one cannot make anyone jealous. Discouragement must not be taken for disdain. Let the man who calls me a beast and a basilisk leave me alone as he would something harmful and bad; let the man who calls me ungrateful not serve me; let him who calls me unfeeling shun me; he who calls me cruel, let him not follow me—for this beast, this basilisk, this ingrate, this cruel and unfeeling woman will not seek, serve, know, or follow them in any way. If Grisóstomo was killed by his impatience and bold desire, why should you blame my virtuous behavior and modesty? If I preserve my purity in the company of trees, why should a man want me to lose it in the company of men? I, as you know, am independently wealthy, and I don’t covet anyone else’s fortune. I’m free and I take no pleasure in submitting to anyone. I neither love nor hate anyone. I don’t deceive this one nor court that one. I don’t dally with one nor play with another. Virtuous conversation with the country girls of these villages and the care of my goats entertain me. My desires are bounded by these mountains, and if they ever stray, it’s only to contemplate the beauty of the heavens, the steps by which the soul is shown the way to its first dwelling place.”

Having said this, without waiting to hear any response, she turned on her heels and went into the densest part of the forest nearby, leaving everyone there astonished, as much by her mental acuity as by her beauty. Some of those who were wounded by the mighty arrow from the rays of her eyes looked as if they wanted to follow her, without heeding the very clear admonition they’d heard…

JRCarter wrote:

It is a little funny that they’d even debate this. Of course, people can betray each other and still love each other. From “little white lies” to full blown adultery, it’s more common than it is rare. People who live together for love will occasionally hate each other too. The whole problem with emotions is that they are involuntary. No one chooses to love or hate, but we hope to learn to control our behavior and not give in to impulses. That’s an essential part of maturity.

So, of course, adultery doesn’t mean that a person doesn’t love his or her spouse anymore. All it indicates is that they are attracted to another person and didn’t control their impulses. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t still sexually attracted to their spouses or that they aren’t getting what they want from the marriage either. This church-based idea of pretending that marriages are sacred and divinely inspired recreations of the original state of man in the Garden of Eden is entirely unrealistic and harmful.

Honestly, I think adultery may have saved as many marriages as it has ended, but really, it is more a symptom or coping mechanism for the state of the marriage in the first place. Marriages that end “because” of adultery likely would have ended without it, and marriages that survive in spite of adultery likely would have continued even without it. I think extra-marital affairs get too much emphasis and attention mainly because of the continual puritanical streak in a lot of originally Christian communities.

However, I do think cheating before marriage is a much more significant indicator of problems in the relationship – though even then, when people are open about it and behave responsibly, it could even strengthen the more reliable partnership. On top of that, especially with all the emphasis on sexual assault and reproductive rights, expecting sexual exclusivity to be a central tenet of marriages may be archaic. What value is there to controlling your partner’s sexuality? Surely, having a reliable mutually consensual relationship is enough, and I’m certainly not alone when I say sex is actually a very small part of what it takes to be and remain married.

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DavidM, Todd

I saw this and was thinking about my earlier post about

realizing that you are seen as “disposable” in a circle of

friends or relationship.

Then there is the beginning where people ignore you at first

but then when they find out something about you that is “useful”,

all of a sudden comes all this attention, these invitations,

attempts to “recruit” you into their clique/relationship.

As you get older, you start to see it all…

——————————————-

I was watching a few scenes of movies… That scene with Tony

and Pepper Potts in Avengers when Coulson came in… It was just a

nice scene of just hanging out in the evening with your gf in your place.

Brought back memories.

 

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Ben

Al-x wrote:

Then there is the beginning where people ignore you at first but then when they find out something about you that is “useful”, all of a sudden comes all this attention, these invitations, attempts to “recruit” you into their clique/relationship.

The solution: don’t be useful.

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Al-x

Arjan Dirkse wrote:

Al-x wrote:

Then there is the beginning where people ignore you at first but then when they find out something about you that is “useful”, all of a sudden comes all this attention, these invitations, attempts to “recruit” you into their clique/relationship.

The solution: don’t be useful.

That’s worked well for me so far.

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Todd

It really isn’t that funny, especially when you realize that you were being strung along by these mindgames. manipulations…

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[Al-x]

——-

Shame that revolving door troll imploded again and left (fourth time!). I was going to ask him about his recovery issues…

• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Al-x.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Al-x.

Al-x wrote:

revolving door troll

I read from time to time.

It’s really telling how this post has lasted for several weeks without being edited out although the person who is target for this insult isn’t here to defend himself while if I insult, say, some random stranges those posts are edited immediately.

Don told me over direct message that al-x has been coddled by the people around him all his life and you’re all doing it too.

Gar told me over direct message that al-x is fundamentally unable to change, and that he thinks al-x is autistic. As if that’s an excuse to let him just go on and on.

So let’s keep it going.

Those above facts are both true, and if I hadn’t treated this place like a revolving door, I would have copies of those PMs to prove it. Maybe I’m just doing this to hurt al-x feelings, but that’s ok with this forum- Al-x just insulted me so I just insult him back.

Honestly I think many “forum disagreements” are just part of the fact they are being said on the internet, without face-to-face interaction. If people meet in person and talk about things like this, I doubt things would blow up so quickly. With in-person meetings I always get the impression people are more tolerant of differences, whereas in text messages on a forum the differences appear much sharper.

[Al-x]

How one is allowed to disconnect and rejoin to cloutchase and troll for a fifth time!
(Is this all he has?) Must be enabled by others and now I know!
I mean: Why isn’t someone like Kalman allowed back for that matter?

And this “Don” (psychoanalyst extraordinaire) who “knows all about me” saying that I have been coddled!🤣

I met Gareth in person, and I might email him to clear the air…

To be honest: I read all the postings in the public and private section and got private emails
that confirmed what I suspected all along. That is why I didn’t engage much in a back and forth.
No point…

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Al-x.

Let it go, Al. Anders isn’t a troll, he has issues with some of the things you post (often rightly so) and has called you out for it (sometimes in inappropriate ways). And you were the one who provoked him with that last post.

He has contributed to this board for many years and shared many personal things – trolling isn’t why he was here. And I do hope he comes back at some point.

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Sean Robinson

The pair of them need to get a room and angrily hatefuck this out of their systems.

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Andy, Christian, Ben, Arjan Dirkse

[Al-x]

Christian wrote:

Let it go, Al. Anders isn’t a troll, he has issues with some of the things you post (often rightly so) and has called you out for it (sometimes in inappropriate ways). And you were the one who provoked him with that last post. He has contributed to this board for many years and shared many personal things – trolling isn’t why he was here. And I do hope he comes back at some point.

Sometimes in Inappropriate ways

(As if his activities don’t count… Likes to dish it out but can’t take it.)

Fair enough. I’ll back off for now.

Bruce wrote:

The pair of them need to get a room and angrily hatefuck this out of their systems.

That… I really don’t about. In fact, I don’t know if that should be in the Relationship Thread. 🤣

————

 

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Al-x.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Al-x.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Al-x.

Al-x wrote:

That… I really don’t about.

Maybe, just maybe, Bruce hit a nerve. And that affected your ability to type a sentence in proper English.

Just saying.
(And that’s only teasing. I swear the knife only went in less than an inch…)

I’ll be serious for a sec. I’m just going to say it.

This is not an attack Al, but you should take a moment, and then ask the mods to lock this thread.
It does have your name on it.

It’s just that this thread will never be helpful.
Not saying it’s evil, but, just no.
There’s a better way.

Relationships are hard when challenged.
Marriages require effort (remember your vows!).
Marriage and bringing children into the world and then making it work is something I would not like to help go wrong.
I’ve got my opinions, and can see when others go wrong, but not married and no children mean I really know nothing.

Like I said, not an attack.
But better sources than here are out there.
(I mean, I guess? Don’t know where. Admittedly more clueless than I care to admit.)

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DavidM, Todd, Christian

I think I agree. I mean, it’s not that relationships aren’t an interesting topic, but it’s one that’s also maybe a little too private to go too deeply into here, and as it is the more superficial discussion has become very circular. I mean, I would comment on that “Just Friends” but I feel like we’ve talked about how toxic the idea of a friendzone is a thousand times and it still hasn’t sunk in, so… I won’t.

[Al-x]

I started this in 2009 when I was in that Thought Provoking Thread phase
to make Jim O’hara’s Millarworld site a little more than just comics content.
Some women members at the time contributed to the thread,
but then they all left.

(I remember a few of them bypassed everyone else to reply to me… Don’t know if I should have felt targeted or flattered. 🤣)

I put in some soundbites (tried too hard tbh) and was hit and miss.
For a brief time it was called the Al-x relationship thread as a gimmick,
but that changed…

Now, a lot has been covered in the 13 years, hard to bring up something
new.

If you are all in favor of having this be retired, I won’t mind.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by Al-x.

Al-x wrote:

Some women members at the time contributed to the thread, but then they all left.

Threadzoned!

8 users thanked author for this post.

francisg, Andy, JRCarter, DavidM, Al-x, Bruce, Todd, Christian

I know this thread has had it’s controversies in the past, but I’m going to brave bumping it up briefly because I need to get something off my chest, and this is the online community I’ve been apart of for the longest. I don’t usually post too much personal stuff, but I’ll give it go.

So, last weekend, my girlfriend and partner of 6 years suddenly told me she wants to break up. Obviously I was (and still am) shocked and devastated. It been a difficult summer for me, started with finding out my project is being turned down (luckily it’s been extended a bit so I’m still employed), then my sister died, and now this. And I just didn’t see it coming. She said she loves me, I’m her best friend, that I haven’t done anything wrong and that there’s no one else, which kind of makes it all worse. Because I can’t even begin to make sense of it and why she’s so certain this is what she needs to do without taking time to talk about it, at least. She just came home after visiting family and did it. We had an okay conversation the next day, but to me it was the beginning of a larger conversation we should have started weeks if not months ago. Then she left to stay with a friend.

She did say she’s willing to talk about it more because of the fact that I’ve done nothing wrong, but first she need to take a break and get some space. I said okay because what other choice is there, even though I think space has been part of the problem. Still, I hope we can work something out, even if I’m not optimistic. We live together, we own a home together. She’s my best friend too, obviously. I can understand why she might have doubts and I’m certain there are ways I could be a better partner, but I’m at a loss to how it got to this breaking point for her where she’s willing to blow up both our lives without trying to work with me on it first.

Anyway, I’ve been pretty isolated (I’ve talked to some family and friends but they all live far away) this week so I figured writing about it might help process a bit.

 

6 users thanked author for this post.

JRCarter, Christian, Dave, Ben, Sean Robinson, Todd

Im really sorry to hear that, Chris.

My condolences on the loss of your sister.

I hope once she’s gathered her thoughts, your partner will clearly explain why she has made this decision to break up. This sounds like something that’s been building within her for some time and the visit with her family catalyzed her decision. Without anymore information from her at this point, it’s hard to reconcile her saying she still loves you and you’re her best friend with her actions. This is an huge breach of trust in that she didn’t address the issues sooner. Even though what she has done is upsetting, do be open to what she has to has to say. I hope that whatever the outcome of all of this is, you find peace with it.

Remember, you are not alone. We are always here for you.

3 users thanked author for this post.

Chris D, Ben, Sean Robinson

Sorry to hear this Chris and that I can’t be of more help to you.

What you’ve been told is both distressing and baffling.  Hope it gets better for you.

1 user thanked author for this post.

Chris D

That sounds like a really upsetting situation Chris.

From what you’ve said it sounds like there are more conversations that need to be had so that you can understand what is happening (and why) in a meaningful way, and then be able to take things from there. But I’m sure it will be difficult to have those conversations.

I hope the coming days and weeks at least lead to a place where you can feel you understand the situation better, and find out what the path forward is for you both.

2 users thanked author for this post.

Chris D, Ben

Chris D wrote:

I know this thread has had it’s controversies in the past, but I’m going to brave bumping it up briefly because I need to get something off my chest, and this is the online community I’ve been apart of for the longest. I don’t usually post too much personal stuff, but I’ll give it go.

So, last weekend, my girlfriend and partner of 6 years suddenly told me she wants to break up. Obviously I was (and still am) shocked and devastated. It been a difficult summer for me, started with finding out my project is being turned down (luckily it’s been extended a bit so I’m still employed), then my sister died, and now this. And I just didn’t see it coming. She said she loves me, I’m her best friend, that I haven’t done anything wrong and that there’s no one else, which kind of makes it all worse. Because I can’t even begin to make sense of it and why she’s so certain this is what she needs to do without taking time to talk about it, at least. She just came home after visiting family and did it. We had an okay conversation the next day, but to me it was the beginning of a larger conversation we should have started weeks if not months ago. Then she left to stay with a friend.

She did say she’s willing to talk about it more because of the fact that I’ve done nothing wrong, but first she need to take a break and get some space. I said okay because what other choice is there, even though I think space has been part of the problem. Still, I hope we can work something out, even if I’m not optimistic. We live together, we own a home together. She’s my best friend too, obviously. I can understand why she might have doubts and I’m certain there are ways I could be a better partner, but I’m at a loss to how it got to this breaking point for her where she’s willing to blow up both our lives without trying to work with me on it first.

Anyway, I’ve been pretty isolated (I’ve talked to some family and friends but they all live far away) this week so I figured writing about it might help process a bit.

 

Damn, Chris, that’s a tough thing to take in. Like Todd says, it seems that something has been building in her. I can relate to that kind of thing, it’s the way I broke off my first really serious relationship after seven years – I’d been unhappy with aspects of our relationship, and that kept building until I just decided to end it, without giving her the chance to work things out with me.

I don’t know if this’d be an option, but I’ve come to realise that it really helps to get couple’s therapy in this kind of situation. It seems like such a weird thing to do, but the truth is that when it comes to relationships we’re all such fucking amateurs and we make dumb mistakes all the time, and also it’s just so bloody hard to talk to each other when both are emotional and hurt and maybe angry. So having a professional in the room can help with a lot of that.

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Chris D, Todd, Ben

Sorry if this is a double post. Tried to edit this after posting and it seems to have been removed instead? But anyway here we go.

Wanted to say thanks all. Really appreciate the responses. Bit of a long update. First, my younger sister, not wanting me to be alone, called up one of my friends and flew him out here just to keep me company. It was really nice thing for both of them to do, even if having company was kind of hard.

Beyond that, the ex(?) came home yesterday. Things are far from fixed or even all that clear to me, but it’s impossible to figure anything out while she’s away. So she came home, we spent the day together. Went to a baseball game. Just tried to spend low stakes, low emotional time together. It was nice. Then last night we finally had a talk. I started by acknowledging how hard it must have been for her to get the courage to say something that she knew would cause so much distress and pain for both of us, and how even considering trying with me more could feel like a betrayal of that courage. That she might be afraid we’d slide back into old habits. I wanted to be clear I was doing my best to understand her feelings and respect them. I did my best to reassure her that I don’t want us to fall back into old habits, not for her, me, or us. Because if we do, we will just end up back in down the line. I listed out why I think we should work on things, including going to counseling. She cried a lot, while I somehow kept it together, thankfully. After I was done, she said that everything I said was reasonable, fair and made complete sense…but she wants to be selfish right now. I asked why and what she meant by it. She admitted even she’s not sure. Just that she can’t commit to working on us right now. She did say she would keep thinking about it, because she does like the life we’ve built and she’s never been unhappy with me. But she also wants more. Yes, this does include sex with other people, which isn’t some huge surprise or even deal breaker for me as we’ve had a few fleeting discussions about it over the years. I just didn’t realize how important it might be to her. I’m not sure she did either. Still my confusion in part stems from never really denying her more. So I kind of feel like this is a If you give a mouse a cookie scenario. But there are some positives. While she doesn’t want to dive full on into the hard work of working on us, I did propose having dates nights to try to reconnect. She smiled and said that sounds really nice. We already had tickets to a concert this week bought pre-breakup. So we’re going to go to that as a mini date. It’s a start. And, honestly, that’s really all I realistically could have hoped for.

A funny and still confusing bit (that may contain TMI, so please read with caution) after the bulk of the conversation. We were kind of hugging each other just for comfort and I told her I was mad at her, which was true. She’s done a selfish hurtful thing for reasons I still think neither of us really understand. She asked, other than the obvious reason, why. And I said because we didn’t even get to have breakup sex. Which was half a joke and half true. She laughed and rolled her eyes and said, we can still do that. And then said sex is always on the table. So I was like, oh then do you want to bang. To which she replied, okay maybe not always on the table. I called her a liar. She just shook her head and said that I know she’s on UTI meds but she’ll be done with those in 3 days so to ask to after that. And I said so you want to live here, hang out, go on dates and still have sex…but just sleep in different beds? And her response was basically yeah, she just also wants the freedom to do whatever she wants outside of home. Which I was honestly sort of proposing anyway, just with counseling to make sure we’re communicating properly?

So yeah, I’m still confused and hurting. I hate having to sleep in separate rooms. I hate that I can’t hug her or be hugged by her throughout the day the way we used to. We both work from home, so we would often walk out of our offices throughout the day and just hug each other before going back to work. Those little bits of comfort are hard to let go of. But she hasn’t completely given up on us and this life we’ve built, so maybe we can still find a way back to each other. Even if it’s slow and hard. Or maybe not. But I’ve also started talking to a therapist on my own. Because I need it. Might look into psychiatric help for my social anxiety. Baby steps. It’s something.

Thank you all for coming to my TED talk.

7 users thanked author for this post.

Ben, garjones, lorcan_nagle, Christian, Al-x, Todd, Dave

Thanks for sharing how things are going, Chris! That sounds like a very challenging situation, but a somewhat hopeful one, as well. And it’s great that you’ve also started therapy. Fingers crossed that the next developments will be good for you, whatever directions they go.

3 users thanked author for this post.

Chris D, Al-x, Todd