Have at it…
Again
The Relationship Thread
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I’m serious. You started the thread so I guess you think there’s something to talk about.
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Ok…
Admittedly, the thread got lost in talking too much about the start of a relationship, like starting up a conversation on the first date and so on. Personally, I also made the HUGE mistake of getting lost in talking about what young girls wear. It really has no bearing as women in the Middle East wearing burkas get attacked. It does fall on society at large. Society is a patriarchy with the white male power structure, very much Eurocentric where the young women have to meet the Male Gaze. Part of the larger issue is how boys are raised and their view of women. We know the main view, grading women’s looks from 1 to 10, checking every woman who walks by, women’s viewpoints are only valid when they meet the Male Gaze and so on… There is clearly a lack of respect and objectifying.
I am digressing, I know….Sorry
Of course there can be room to discuss the social ills, but the relationship thread should be about it’s give and take, the negotiation of two people in it. Not so much about scoring. I liked it when Sabrina, Stephanie, and other women were here to give their perspective. That was what really made the thread cool.
It has always been my intent to make the thread real cool with great dialogue and discussion, but I erred so badly and I alienated so many. I am so sorry.
The thread goes where the members take it. In the past, it was Ohara who told me to prune off the “kinky” stuff, abusive relationship content, and so on. I did for the most part and the thread was still Ok.
I guess we can talk about making it last, how to grow together over the years, some testimony of personal mistakes, the give and take over the years, personal sacrifices, and making the mutual feelings and love grow. And how the dating scene has changed over the decades, how historical social things like the sexual revolution, the women’s movement have affected relationships. I could go on…
So again, the thread goes where it goes. It is not the Al-x Relationship Thread anymore….
Have at it.
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I guess we can talk about making it last, how to grow together over the years, some testimony of personal mistakes, the give and take over the years, personal sacrifices, and making the mutual feelings and love grow.
In my experience I think all of these things often come back to the core of communication and dialogue, as cliché as it sounds.
No relationship is without disagreements and disruptions but as long as there is a willingness to talk with each other honestly and constructively and keep talking then I think you can usually find a way forward eventually, even if it means some difficult conversations. And as long as you accept that some compromise and sacrifice may sometimes be necessary.
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Well, today is my 35th wedding anniversary, so it is with some experience that I say (as Dave just did) that two of the keys to a healthy relationship are communication and compromise. One other thing that has worked (for us, at least) is seeking and finding new experiences that we both enjoy sharing together, to keep the relationship evolving in a fun way. For us, once the kids were grown and out of the house, we discovered an interest in visiting hiking the National Parks throughout the US (we’ve done 30 so far); and at least 4 days a week we go for a 4-mile morning walk or run together which is good for our health and gives us time to talk to each other without distractions.
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Honestly, though, he didn’t have a shot with Rachel because they were completely incompatible. Few of the “Friends” characters were actually friends with each other and Joey was the least of the friends when it came to that. I wouldn’t even consider him and Rachel to have been friends even in the context of the show.
Though, it is interesting to see where terms started. Like “selfie” as far as anyone can tell originated in Australia.
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I was never into that show, but I know a few things about it. Also, the friend zone tangent has been done ad infinitum before.
I won’t really get into it any more than I get into the girl who attended Yale. 😁As for friends… What bothers me are the ones who only call you for a favor like when they are sick they call you for help, to move furniture, errands, etc. Other times, when they are well, you will hear about them going here and there with others you know but for some reason you were never invited. They will invite you for their get togethers where the invitee has to provide a gift and they know you are generous. After a while, you see the pattern and realize you are being used, as the “disposable” type, and once you outlive your usefulness, you are discarded until next time.
It gets worse when the person like psychologically feels he/she needs friends and that “need” is being preyed on. They know you like them and want their friendship, but they just play on it and use the person.
Pisses me off…
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It’s a fair point Al, an imbalance like that in any relationship, romantic or friendship can be problematic.
I had an interesting one with a close friend when I was around 18 or 19. I moved from my school to a new 6th form college and made friends with a guy called Paul, we had similar interests in sport and music but I was always a little shy and anxious and he was super popular with everyone, male or female. He had a habit though of running out of money and asking for a ‘lend’ of 5 or 10 quid in the pub (which never came back) so I had to question if I was being used as his cashpoint. I just told him flat out one day that I’d never give him a penny again and the funny thing is our friendship was not affected at all. He called me up the next day to go out for a drink and I never did open my wallet again.
In its own weird way it echoes what Dave and Jerry said about just being honest and communicating. I could have carried on silently imagining I was ‘buying’ his friendship and it wasn’t an unreasonable conclusion to come to but it also wasn’t the truth.
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I had an interesting one with a close friend when I was around 18 or 19. I moved from my school to a new 6th form college and made friends with a guy called Paul, we had similar interests in sport and music but I was always a little shy and anxious and he was super popular with everyone, male or female. He had a habit though of running out of money and asking for a ‘lend’ of 5 or 10 quid in the pub (which never came back) so I had to question if I was being used as his cashpoint. I just told him flat out one day that I’d never give him a penny again and the funny thing is our friendship was not affected at all. He called me up the next day to go out for a drink and I never did open my wallet again.
I’ve been that guy. And I’ve improved. It was never about gaining from my friendships, it was always and only about our norm. And my fallacies, obviously. Like I said, I’ve improved, and that wouldn’t have happened without some solid dick.
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In the “news”, the couples that you never really hear the end is this Megan Fox and this rapper turned rocker MGK (Machine Gun Kelly).
I find it so incredibly easy to avoid news of them that this post is the first time I have ever heard of ‘rapper turned rocker’ called MGK. Chances are it’ll be the last. 😂
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Chances are it’ll be the last
No, you’ll hear of him again when Al posts to explain who he is and why you’re out of touch with the world…
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No, you’ll hear of him again when Al posts to explain who he is and why you’re out of touch with the world…
😂 Touche…
Actually, the clickbaiter JR will most likely post an article here on both couples.
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No relationship is without disagreements and disruptions but as long as there is a willingness to talk with each other honestly and constructively and keep talking then I think you can usually find a way forward eventually, even if it means some difficult conversations. And as long as you accept that some compromise and sacrifice may sometimes be necessary.
True… Personally it pays to avoid saying “always” like “You always do/say this or that”. I guess you have to be more specific and say something like ” Last time at that get together, you sort of embarrassed me when you said that publicly. It made me feel…” and then take it from there.
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I made a remark years ago to someone, and years later she brought it up to my face. She never forgot what I said. It made me take note to watch what I say, even (or especially) in jest in private and in a restaurant of party with other people around.
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You can be right about something, but going out of your way to say it or justify your stance can do more harm than good. I have to learn to pick my battles as it were, to sacrifice and give up something for the greater good: a calm relationship.
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Since I have a reputation for asking questions and I must maintain…
Are you in love or in like with someone?
(I have been in like a LOT but maybe not long enough to love.)
How do you maintain love?
Does your love evolve over time?
Do you admit you were wrong about something to your significant other?
If so, how quick are you in admitting?
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Al it’s 2021. I don’t even have Malaysian TV, although if I did they do show all that Kardashian stuff anyway. They show almost everything they do in the US. My kids consume 100% of what they watch from Youtube or Netflix/Disney+ streaming, it doesn’t matter where you are.
I have a stream of of around 6000 global channels. I just don’t watch the ETV stuff. You can pick and choose. I’m sure it isn’t mandatory in the States, you can watch HBO or Discovery instead and be oblivious to it all.
You seem to have a very strange idea of how segregated the world is, even in the 1980s my wife’s family was watching the A-Team and Street Hawk as was I 8000 miles away.
The most watched TV show ever on Netflix across all countries is now Squid Game, it’s Korean. You can subscribe to BBC iPlayer/Britbox in the US and Malaysia and only watch that.
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It pops up everywhere.
Only because people keep repeating it.
Seriously, the way to kill gossip is to stop talking about it. Celebrities only have the power that you give them by talking about them. Without you, they are nothing. You can make a difference to the world, Al!
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In my life the celebrity gossip only pops up in this thread. 😂
To be honest though it’s perfectly fine if Al enjoys it, millions of people do, hence Hello! magazine selling everywhere, the 24 hour gossip channel and the Daily Mail ‘sidebar of shame’.
It’s not my cup of tea, hence I don’t buy those magazines or watch those shows, but neither is line dancing or pottery.
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I have a magic button on my TV remote that allows me to change the channel whenever a celebrity gossip show or reality show begins. I also have a special red emergency button that allows me to shut off the TV at any time!!
Witchcraft! Burn him!
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Line dancing is just square dancing on the edge.
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garjones wrote:
Chances are it’ll be the lastNo, you’ll hear of him again when Al posts to explain who he is and why you’re out of touch with the world…
Ok… It has been some time.
Back in the day, I loved reading a NY paper called the Village Voice. It was an alt paper discussing news, politics, the NY scene, trends in culture, that sort of thing. It folded but now it is back again in a limited way. It is online now for the most part.
Now, since I came across TikTok beyond the dancing section, the content of some of the video snippets filled a void for me that the Village Voice gave me.
I said a few things here in the random thread, but I realize that not everything there translates here. As someone said this is a different audience. Still, I did like bringing up the TikTok dance controversy at the time.
Now… when I said about being out of touch with the world… To each their own. We have the politics thread and the news thread. Maybe we need not go further with another thread as it can be covered in the random section.
———————–Back to relationships …. Touching/physical contact
I mentioned boundaries and I have to say that a guy can’t be “grabby” these days like past eras. With a woman, she would have to initiate with me and take it slow. I had people touch my belly when they told me I was gaining and I didn’t mind it because I knew them. I guess it depends.
But on a date… making the move to kiss and put the arm around the person… it depends too.
What say you?
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When it comes to relationships, the give and take, negotiations, the compromises… You won’t get everything that you want, and you will have to live with that.
A rather inconvenient truth…
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It still is Jerry.
We are just having some fun.
On that note:
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Foolish errors made for love are childish but honorable. Only a coward would want to hide or try to erase them.
if you find someone else that could love you then they would want to know you are capable of such foolishness for love.
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One thing I never understood was getting a significant other’s name tattooed on yourself. What if it doesn’t work out? You either get it covered with another tattoo or removed with a laser, either of which is an expensive prospect.
Johnny Depp famously got a “Winona” tattoo when he was dating Winona Ryder. After they broke up, he had the tat altered so that it now says “Wino”….which is definitely more appropriate, dontcha think?
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I understand being interested and trying to strike up a conversation with someone but these two links are creepy:
https://news.amomama.com/276647-girl-19-shares-uncomfortable-moment-she.html
It leads to the fact that young women get hit on EVERYWHERE they go and it can be scary.
I knew a young woman who would be alone at home when her husband was at work and the maintenance guy has to be at the apartment to make repairs and she admitted she didn’t feel safe.
Also, when a woman leaves a club or restaurant with friends late night and goes home by car or Uber and the usually male driver tries to hit on her and since he has the directions, he knows the block to stalk her if he wants. It’s why some women make it a point or a fib that it is a friend’s house or boyfriend’s address.
So how do you go about talking to someone with all this? Pick your areas to converse? What?
It’s really on men to read the situation and back the hell off. If the woman says “no” or “not interintested”, the man needs to step a way. Not every woman in a social situation is out there looking for man.
Additionally, men need to not take the rejection so personally. Just because that particular woman said no for whatever reason, it doesn’t mean another woman won’t be more receptive. A rejection is also not an excuse to berate or insult them. Maybe the reason she said no was enitrely unrelated to the man asking her out or whatever. She has her reasons and the man needs to respect that.
Ultimately though, a lot of men need to learn to not be assholes to women (and other people) and treat them with dignity and respect. They need to accpt “no” and move on woth their life.
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It’s really on men to read the situation and back the hell off. If the woman says “no” or “not interintested”, the man needs to step a way. Not every woman in a social situation is out there looking for man.
Additionally, men need to not take the rejection so personally. Just because that particular woman said no for whatever reason, it doesn’t mean another woman won’t be more receptive. A rejection is also not an excuse to berate or insult them. Maybe the reason she said no was enitrely unrelated to the man asking her out or whatever. She has her reasons and the man needs to respect that.
Ultimately though, a lot of men need to learn to not be assholes to women (and other people) and treat them with dignity and respect. They need to accpt “no” and move on woth their life.
I completely agree…
In the past, society has taught men to be these great “go getters” to take advantage of every opportunity and seize the moment, be persistent and don’t take NO for an answer. This resulted in some guys not respecting boundaries and you know the rest.
In the past, I stressed safety for young women and to an extent I still do as it is not a perfect world.
Then there is (as other members stressed to me) the much larger picture in society of what is called “The Patriarchy”, the white male power structure, teachings of the Alpha Male, Type A personality, the objectifying of women with the Male Gaze situation. It has been said that within the same family household, parents actually bring up the daughter to watch herself of guys that they end up bringing up the son to be! Think about that…
Truth is, a lot of things went wrong in raising men for centuries especially when we start to analyze things like feeling of entitlement, power and violence and the use of them to take what one wants…
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I mentioned before of how some guys try to be so slick/clever but a few of you dismissed me… Anyway, one of the “attempts” some guys make is to get a woman’s complete name so they can look her up on social media sites like Facebook (now Meta) and so on to check out pictures and other info on where she lives and so on.
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These days, according to the latest social media vernacular, you don’t really have a “type” anymore, you have more of a “fetish” now.
That may be an interesting discussion. A fetish means liking something typically considered “unusual”. And the implication is typically negative — “You like that? Eww gross!”
You can’t have a fetish for blondes, for example, because it’s “normal” to like blondes, lots of people like blondes, so that’s a type not a fetish, Preferring women with beards (for example), that’s a “fetish”, because it’s not considered to be “normal” to find bearded women attractive.
But who has the right to make decisions over what is “normal”? People have the right to enjoy anything they please as long as it’s not hurting anyone else. So if I want to whipped on my bare buttocks by a bearded woman, what right does society have to brand that as abnormal? It’s not a fetish, it’s just my preference.
So banning the word” fetish” from conversation can only be a good thing I think. Or, diluting it so that it becomes a synonym for “type”, that would probably have the same effect, it de-stigmatises the word and the people it would traditionally be applied to.
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What do you mean they can’t fight in the War Room?
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Get fucked, you complete moron.
Anders, this kind of personal attack is unnecessary and (in my opinion) unwelcome.
Control
There are partners who will make a remark and embarrass you, then when you talk to them, they tell you how you should feel about it, dictating your reaction and feelings.
Then there are the husbands/boyfriends who want to control what their partner wears.
It only gets worse from there…Alfred, what is your point in posting a thread like this? It’s not like you are making us aware of a situation that we didn’t know about; you’re not really offering your opinion on this specific subject; and you aren’t providing any insight into why people stay in relationships like this, nor a possible solution for resolving it. So again I ask: what is your point?
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the discussion is to flow freely
But does it. The typical cycle in this thread is:
1) Al posts a link or article that isn’t really relatable or of interest to a majority of the users here.
2) Folks comment that it’s a bit of a weird post.
3) ?
4) Profit.
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I do like the fact that that is post 69 in the relationship thread.
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How exactly am I supposed to know beforehand that it goes over some people’s heads?
It’s less it goes over folk’s heads and more that nobody really gives a shit.
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What is this America? I never heard of it before today. Do they eat, watch TV and have sex there like other humans?
You assume we are human…
Are you lizards too?
We’re not that advanced!
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I believe I have said this before but I think the ability for two people in a relationship to be silly with each other is very important.
When you are silly, it is a way to express total vulnerability and open yourself up. Your shields are down. When you are in a strong relationship, the other person will do the same. You become closer with each other through goofiness.
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“the lover shuts his eyes to all objectionable qualities, overlooks everything, ignores all and unites himself forever to the object of his passion. He is so completely blinded by this illusion that as soon as the will of the species is accomplished the illusion vanishes and leaves in its place a hateful companion for life.”
Schopenhauer wrote that in 1818, and to him love was important and serious but more in the sense of a hurricane or earthquake that has disastrous consequences out of the control of those it afflicts. As compelling and convincing that point of view might be, I wonder about it. In the 19th century and well up to the 80’s and 90’s, the lives of men and women were quite distinct. However, the experiences of the sexes and genders is not as necessarily distinct as they once were. We’re no longer as inscrutable and mysterious to each other as we once were.
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@garjones… Now that you have arrived, apparently court is in session. Look upthread, find out what happened and give us your decision.
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1) Al posts a link or article that isn’t really relatable or of interest to a majority of the users here.
2) Folks comment that it’s a bit of a weird post.
3) ?
4) Profit.
You’re right. Maybe I am trying too hard.
Anyway…
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Reading this kinda pissed me off:
https://www.yourtango.com/2016289501/i-left-my-husband-18-year-old-and-i-have-no-regrets
I get the feeling that if the title of this article were “I Left My Wife For An 18-Year-Old (And I Have No Regrets),” the writer would be seen as an asshole.
Also, maybe her first husband might not have been the husband he should have been, but marriage counselors exist for a reason, Last I checked, part of the wedding vows are “for better or worse.”
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I’ll get a ton of crap for this, but here is the basic relationship advice for homo sapiens (especially if they are hetero sapiens
).Difference between men and women 101
For men, dominance and submission are the defining factors. Who is in charge and who is responsible for the outcome? Men (or the masculine role in the relationship irrespective of male or female) want to be in that role.
For women, relationship is the defining factor. Guaranteed reciprocity – the certainty that they can come to you for help and that you can come to them. Confident mutual support.
Men will respond negatively, angrily and even dangerously if they feel their dominance in a situation is threatened unless they are in a role they accept as submissive. Even then, submissive roles will have a detrimental effect if they do not receive expected rewards for the submission. In realistic terms, “submissive” can be better defined as “support” roles where it is clear that you are working to support someone else’s endeavor. At the same time, everyone is attracted to become some sort of support for various pursuits for specific rewards (fandom, for example – or, more obvious – your job) which would be dealt with in a “relationships 102” course.
Women will respond negatively, angrily and even dangerously if they feel the relationship is threatened. If they come to you for help and are refused AND – now, this is very important – if you do not go to them for help. If you are in the masculine role and do not make an attempt to share your problems with a partner in the feminine role, then it is harmful. It communicates that you do not want a relationship with them, do not have faith in them or are secretly excluding them from the relationship.
Men (or those whose urges tend toward the masculine) need to assert and clarify their dominance or to be rewarded for submitting to others’ dominance. Women (or those whose urges tend toward the feminine) need to have the confidence that others are sharing their burdens with them and that they can share their burdens with others.
At heart, that’s it, people. If you’re a man (however you define it) assert dominance in a way that it means support from your partner, and if you choose to submit to a partner, then be clear what you expect from it. If you are a woman (however you define it) share your burdens and let your partner know that you expect them to share theirs.
Now, and this is an important note – the expression of that anger, danger and negativity will be in the opposing mode from the role. Women (the feminine role, again) will assert dominance and submission in response to what they see as an assault on the relationship and men will assert a betrayal of reciprocity – ingratitude, most often – in response to either a challenge of their dominance or denial of the rewards of their submission.
Obviously, homosexual relationships can be much easier as both partners have a better (but not perfect) chance to be on the same page.
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I’ll get a ton of crap for this, but here is the basic relationship advice for homo sapiens
I don’t agree with a lot of your hypotheses and conclusions here, primarily because of too many generalizations; but I appreciate that you took the time to write it all out. Thanks.
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I don’t agree with a lot of your hypotheses and conclusions here, primarily because of too many generalizations
I agree, all generalisations are stupid.
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I don’t agree with a lot of your hypotheses and conclusions here, primarily because of too many generalizations
I agree, all generalisations are stupid.
Your face is stupid.
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I don’t agree with a lot of your hypotheses and conclusions here, primarily because of too many generalizations
I agree, all generalisations are stupid.
Your face is stupid.
Exactly what I’d expect a man to say.
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